Forgiving ourselves

The Gardens of Ailana

A pilgrimage toward redemption, and forgiveness.

You can recover your innocence.

 Excerpts:

“Guess we all have our moments when we don’t look at reality quite head on. See things through our ‘I’m no good and I can’t do this’ state of mind. We might read it as ‘She hates me,’ or ‘This’ll never work,’ but what we’re really doin’ is givin’ up on ourselves.” …

… “So you’re sayin’ we just make peace with everyone who’s ever screwed us.”

Paulette reached into her own past to tell her, “We make peace with ourselves. They just come along for the ride.”

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In “The Gardens of Ailana”.

“What do you think we should call you?” little Sylva asked.

“Do I have to have a name?”

“Most people seem to think so. I think they’d get lost if they didn’t have their names. People don’t usually know who they really are, but they do like to pretend.”

“People think they need a lot of things they’d be better off without.”

“That’s what my mom says, but I’m still figuring on that one.”

“Want a little help?”

“No, I think I’ll just let my brain have it for a while; I’ve got other things to do.”

Some very brief bit, only one or two short, very mildy distracting lines goes here.

“What do you like to eat?” Sylva, lost in her pondering, was all seriousness now.

“I like strawberries.”

“No, that’d be a dumb name.”

“How about calling me Cuthbert?”

“Now you are just being silly. Pay attention. This is important business. People don’t come here and leave here the same, so they should get a new name while they’re here.”

“Okay, I can see that,” he said. “So what’s your brother’s new name? Or is Renn his new name?”

“Renn doesn’t need a new name; he was born here. Only the pretending people need real names when they stop pretending so much. But some people leave and they still don’t know who they are, so I don’t name them.”

“Aren’t you the girl people told me doesn’t talk very much? Guess they didn’t know you very well.”

“Good point,” she said. So then she went back to thinking again.

As they studied the land around them it seemed indecisive, uncertain. It hadn’t yet made up its mind. Was it spring now, or had winter merely blinked? Were some patches of ivy brown, brittle, dried out and returning to soil; or were they looking for a bit of their green again? Had they given up, or would they once again decide to live? Was that which had been there last year coming back, or had they seen the last of it?

“Y’know, people really should listen to children,” she told him.

“I’m beginning to find that out.”

“But not when we’re just being children.”

“Okay, now that’s something I’ll have to think about.”

“It’s good to give each other stuff to think.

“But you don’t wanna make a whole lotta noise when you’re doing it.”

“You mean like talking?” he asked.

“And other stuff. Like eating corn chips.”

He started to write on one of his special lumpy papers. She saw him holding a pencil he hadn’t had before, but hadn’t seen how he’d opened his box. She decided she would just have to start observing harder.

She thought she’d give him something to write.

“You know you can’t pet a stumblebee on the back while he’s flying because that’s where his flying parts are, and that’s why they stumble.”

“Ah, yes. That would be so,” he replied.

“You don’t really scare them when you try to, but they would ‘Really rather you would stop doing that!’ ”

And then she was quiet again. That had been a lot of talking for her. She didn’t usually pay any attention to grownups because most grownups didn’t know very much.

This one was different.

Besides, he was fun to watch because his light went out farther when he thought about people.

It didn’t shrink in and get all hard like that crippled lady’s used to. You could hardly call hers light at all.

“I think I’ll name you Mica,” she told him, “Because you’re all shiny.”

“Mica. I like that. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Mica it is. I am now Mica.”

“You are Mica, the Shiny One.”

 

At end of day, Paulette sat with Ailana on the porch, unwinding from her day of exploration. She’d been thinking about how much she had learned back at the healing and meditation retreat without even knowing it.

She tried to remind Ailana now of one particularly lasting and memorable lesson. “When you told us to listen to the forest, feel that deep Peace, and take it inside us … Well that just changed me somehow.”

“Except I never said that.”

“It … but … You didn’t?”

“Why would I tell you to take peace inside you? It’s already there. All you needed was to find it. I told you to feel it inside you, not take it there.”

– From my new novel-in-progress, “The Gardens of Ailana”.

What do you feel when in Healing mode?

The new book I’m now writing is basically a story based on my own experiences, but maybe some of you can offer your own. You know how as you develop yourselves as healers, you seem to dissolve, to be less aware of your physical form? Particularly, I suppose, if you travel long distances out-of-body to help. As you become more aware of the part you play in the vastness, you feel less stuck in your body. Death is just as comfortable as life, and some of those walls fall away. So this story is about a healer who identifies less and less with her little self; and so after her body dies, she just steps out of it. Keeps right on healing. People find her garden is haunted, but not in a scary way, and ever more people come to her for help. – I would be happy to hear your own stories of feeling less dense, more ethereal in your highest moments, if these are not too personal to share.
Thank you in advance.

Suffering may come to us with a purpose.

The Mourning After is obviously about reincarnation. I used to try to keep that a secret since the narrator takes a long time figuring that out. But what the heck; it’s all over the ads, and detailed on the back of the book, so I guess I can tell a few friends now anyway, huh? Three companions are caught up, through many cultures and lifetimes, in an entwined cycle of harsh tragedy and wondrous love.  They fight desperately to destroy the one without losing the other.

The book I am beginning now, Ailana’s Gardens, takes place in one lifetime, centering around healers and healing. When I ask unseen guides what it’s about generally, though, I keep getting stuff like, “There is so much pain in the world. The trick may be to find why this particular suffering is yours; why it came to you. Find what lies beneath it. You are not here to run away, but to find deeper truths it may carry within it. What are you now ready for? What may you finally be able to let go of? How are you ready to grow? And the most important question; As you heal, can you help others in the process?”

Today, the concept that greeted me was, “Suffering offers itself to us as a process of birth. Only by finding the stillness in the chaos, the light in our own darkness, can we unfold what we are here for, and how to work miracles as we set about making a difference in the world”.

I keep flashing on that scene from The Robe, where Richard Burton’s troubled Roman centurion character searches out an early Christian who had been crippled until she’d met Jesus. The Master had gone in and spent private time with her and healed her. Burton finds the girl, but sees she’s still lame. She tells him how miserable she had been, but now she radiates such peace and joy that her Light changes everyone near her.

She sees that she is more than her legs. She is thrilled to feel love again, to be alive and helping others.

Check your ego. But step into your Power.

Aside

When we feel ourselves radiating as healers; as powerful Centers of Light; is there still a part of us that wants to hold back? Telling ourselves that Spiritual Brilliance is for other Beings, much Greater Beings; we don’t want to show off?

Sure, if you can find any whisper of pride in such feelings, then most likely you are not ready. But what if you are, but you’re blocking it? Could you be buckling under to old, outmoded paradigms insisting you are still that little kid, hanging onto the coattails of bigger, more significant folks?

If you hide inside limitations you are ready to break free of, you are hurting more than just yourself. There are people out there praying for help; don’t deny them what you are able to share.