Years ago my other-worldly connections shifted dramatically. I could sometimes feel myself traveling to a hospital or sickroom somewhere to assist in the healing, and would get unsolicited confirmation later that day. Or I might radiate general Light to all beings; I might feel myself a radiant sun on high, shining down onto all beings, onto and through the planet itself. Or I might for a while enjoy the Bliss of Humility, and just receive for a while. Then I went through a long period of time when I just felt part of the woods I live in, part of the world’s peace.
This troubled me when I read the masters’ letters and they spoke of being there for poor orphan humanity. A dear and knowing theosophist / psychologist friend, Dr. Barbara Hebert, told me I was a radiating center of peace and that this was a good thing, but I had trouble agreeing with her that this was enough.
It sure felt good, though. It felt natural, and healing, and right.
I had some cancer spots for years that bled and hurt all over my back and shoulders and Lynden suggested, “Well, you send all this healing all over the planet and beyond, why don’t you just redirect some through yourself?” – Well. I have to admit that had never occurred to me. So I sat and drew down the healing forces, pulling them through me. The cancer went away and I apparently set about getting ready for the next stage.
I headed off for England where I came into contact with lingering spirits in ancient monasteries and graveyards; stone circles and centers of magic; pieces of the true cross, bones of apostles, the robe of St. Francis …. And it was like my molecules were changing. I was losing my sense of physical presence. Lynden and I were sick for months and I stayed home. The winter broke records and I stayed inside. I got a devastating earache and deafness in Italy, and I could hardly have felt any more isolated.
As I healed from this, it was as though I was now in a very different body than the one I’d felt the pain through. In recent weeks I have been constantly buzzing in some other-worldly kinda way. I have never been good with numbers, but now I seem to have no connection at all. If I just make the slightest shift from paying attention to my surroundings, I feel the flow of healing pouring through for all; and I am a part of that flow. Shortly after that, for some reason, I desperately need a nap.
As Lyndie and I were coming home from Scotland yesterday, after visiting Roslyn Chapel again (I spent a lot of time in the crypt below it this time), I felt like I was just some non-specific force of Nature, just pouring some benign energy out into the hills.
I pondered over what that might mean. A tree in the forest is a center of peace, but doesn’t get all anxiety-ridden over where he should be sending that peace. He is just doing what he is. Winds are forces of Nature, but don’t question whom they should be seeking out to blow upon, and where they should be blowing him.
There is a picture on Lynden’s altar which we think was supposed to be KH, but I have never believed they looked like their pictures in real life. I can see why they would not correct this, because having too many normal people focusing on them could disrupt their work on other planes, so I just see these as pictures of generic mahatmas that I could make use of however I will. If I am in a place of gentle loving peace and wish to grow more so, I can see this drawing as KH. If I am kneeling there with Sword Ganesha in my hands, in a mood to bust through the blockages and the darkness, I can see this as M. I can use this to offer myself to guides and spiritual teachers generally and ask to be an extension of their work into the world I inhabit, without having any idea whom I am praying to. I may or may not be a student of some great teacher, but that question doesn’t bother me. I want to be there if needed, as needed, in every moment.
I no longer need feedback. I don’t need the ego trip of people re-assuring me that I had indeed helped them. Spreading peace and joy is a good thing, and if more is needed of me, doing that will keep those channels open.
If I hold too specific a picture when wishing to contact a particular master, I am limiting him, and my access to him, to what I have imagined him to be.
If he offers some teaching or challenge, I have already opened one particular doorway for that gift to come in through, and by golly it had danged well better fit through that tiny and very specific portal. Unseen teachers can only reveal whom they are to the extent that I can let go of whom I am expecting them to be.
And in the end, isn’t it really all about letting go?
Why should I feel bad for feeling this good; even if I don’t know how, or if, I might be helping others? Why not just trust? Let myself be that force of nature, even if it is a Force of a Higher Nature I can’t see or be thanked by?
It feels good. It feels powerful. It feels completely and totally right.
I guess I can be okay with that.